Crisis of Vocation

I have been in a funk. Hence no more posting here.

Lately I have been really bored and generally lost. The things I used to do to keep myself active and interested no longer have that result.

All I have ever really done is “church stuff.” When I was in High School I was really – REALLY – into youth group. Part of it was because I genuinely liked being there and part of it was a certain boy I had a mad crush on. I made newsletters and did all sorts of excessively nerdy things like that. So then I went to college for church stuff. When I graduated, having a “real” job in church stuff wasn’t an option immediately, so I did church stuff part time. And then we moved here and I got a real full-time job in church stuff, albeit different church stuff than I had experience in. Then came the time of no more job in church stuff, just babies.

So when it was bothering me that my church didn’t have a whole lot of events and activities for people like me (“ladies” and “moms”), the church stuff bell rang! I could plan it! So I’ve done that for a while now, but I don’t get much satisfaction from it anymore. Part of it is that I rarely enjoy the events I plan, because I’m so involved in making sure it’s going just right. And then the rest of it is seeing 1) The amount of work I put into these things compared to 2) How many people participate in them. And, for once, I would like to attend a women’s fellowship event at my church that I did not plan.

For instance, yesterday I was trying to promote a contest of sorts to win our church money, and the lack of interest was palpable. And it’s not just that particular thing, it is evident across the board. If people don’t care, why should I?

So this is where I am. I need to find something to keep myself interested and to look forward to, but I come up with nothing. Joel’s meeting schedule sucks – seriously – so joining something that meets weekly, or even twice a month, is nearly impossible (I don’t want to sacrifice family time on the weekends). And what I’m looking for is something apart from kids. I love my boys, but I need to figure out what makes me happy aside from them.

Does such a thing exist for me? I hope to find out.

March 17, 2014 at 11:33 am Leave a comment

Stuff

I haven’t updated this in a couple weeks. I’ve either been heavily medicated and/or had absolutely no motivation.

Here’s what’s happened recently, in no particular order:

  • Caleb fell out of his crib, so we converted it into a toddler bed. Since then it’s been rough. He doesn’t want to take naps anymore. I have to stay in the room with him until he falls asleep. The same for bedtime, but a lot worse. The past couple of nights has been over an hour in there. I make the smallest sound and he flips over to make sure I’m still there. He is “scared!” of the shadows on the wall, and somehow, monsters. A couple months ago he was scared that a lion was in there (thanks a lot, Nathan!). Everything is Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Nathan was never like this!
  • My back is better, sort of. I can function and don’t need drugs anymore, but it still hurts sometimes. When it was still bad I went to the doctor who gave me prescriptions for drugs and a referral for physical therapy. I’ve been going twice a week, and I guess it’s helping. Though I went yesterday and am in pain today. I can finally stand up straight again! No seriously, I had a noticeable, severe lean to the right. Both the doctor and physical therapist were worried I had scoliosis.
  • We spent a few days at Great Wolf Lodge. This was in the midst of my major back pain, so I tried my best to not be majorly lame. I could tell how bad I walked/leaned when someone was walking behind me shuffling along and asked if I was okay – as in, are you drunk? No – the drugs just wore off! ;-) I spent a little time in the pools and a LOT of time in the hot tub. As Joel and I predicted, the boys really warmed up to the place the day we were leaving. Caleb wanted to play in the water on purpose! The boys slept really well and it was a good time. I’m glad we went in the middle of the week (checking out on Thursday), because I could tell how busy it was going to get with the major influx of people.
  • It snowed. A lot (for Portland). It was unfortunate because I had planned to go grocery shopping the day it was supposed to hit, which they only forecasted the afternoon before. So I went food shopping with all the freaker-outers when we legitimately had no food. I hadn’t gone food shopping since I hurt my back, so we’re talking weeks. That day we got 2 inches, and the next day we got 5 or 6. So we were stuck in the house for 5 days. 2 days of preschool were canceled. Nathan liked playing in the snow, and Caleb did not. It has mostly melted now. There was a little patch in the yard Nathan was playing with this afternoon.
  • We blew a lot of $$$ on Buddy, unnecessarily. He got into a fight with something (likely another cat) and came home scared and injured. Like so scared he wouldn’t come inside for a while, and wouldn’t let me near him. He’s gotten in fights with other cats before and was never like that. Over the next couple of days his neck and chin became swollen. So we brought him to the vet – I was getting exceedingly scared it was an abscess – but he was fine. Major vet visit moola down the drain.
  • These boys are REALLY into Jake and the Neverland Pirates. I heard Nathan telling Caleb that he was Captain Hook and Caleb was Smee. If they’re not playing train tracks, I’m hearing something about Jake or pixie dust or yo ho!
  • I’ve been real uninspired and blah lately. Hence no updates. I was really looking forward to a free date night offered by our preschool, and that was canceled because of the snow, and before that it was canceled because of a wedding (I was looking forward to it then too!). And now it’s not going to happen at all. I made an appointment for a haircut, kind of a big deal because I haven’t had it cut in almost 2 years, and THAT was canceled because of the snow. Because of Joel’s crappy schedule, I have to wait another week for that now. I rarely have things to look forward to, so it’s more than disheartening when they don’t happen.
  • With the boys being sick, my back problems, and the snow, I have missed 4 weeks of church in a row. It’s easy to not even notice. This must be how “regular” people function.
  • I’ve been enjoying watching the Olympics. Nathan has not and cries whenever I put it on. Ha!
  • Caleb has been real talky talky talky lately! Nathan was never like this, so it’s so foreign to me to have a little person talking all the time. He demands things to watch on Netflix – “Thomas Friends!” “Jake!” He gets mad when he can’t get the things that are pictured out of books, physically –  he scratches at the page and says stuff like “Get car out!” He doesn’t understand it’s just a picture.

And there goes my brain. Time to be done!

February 12, 2014 at 9:11 pm Leave a comment

Highs and Lows – 4/108

Highs this week:

  • Last Sunday I space-bagged away all of the clothes that are too big for me now – everything including my coats. It dawned on me that I didn’t have any heavier cold weather coats that fit me anymore. The day before I had gone to a Target and saw one I liked, but decided against it due to the price. After some researching upon my realization, I saw that was sort of a good price and went back for the coat. But it wasn’t there anymore. I decided to go to a different Target and see what they had, but no coat there either. The second Target was next to a Ross Dress for Less store, so I figured it wouldn’t hurt to check there too. I found exactly the type of coat I was looking for – clearanced – for half of what the Target coat cost. Will I get a chance to wear it anytime soon? Probably not.
  • I’m part of a local Facebook swapmeet message board. Someone posted the question “Anyone need a free new-to-you dishwasher?” I figured I’d respond in case it could possibly work out – our dishwasher is so LOUD (like it rattles and I kick it to try to make it stop, which sometimes worked) and the dishes have to be scrubbed clean before even going in there in the first place. I had my doubts because that message board encompasses a large geographic area, and I wasn’t going to drive 30 miles to get it. It turned out the lady was just upgrading appliances and lived less than a mile from our church. I was able to pick it up that day after picking up Nathan from preschool, minutes after their new one was installed. I can’t believe how well it worked out! I was also able to install it all by myself (after consulting YouTube). It is a much nicer (it has buttons with multiple settings while our old one just had a knob) AND much quieter dishwasher. Win!

Lows this week:

  • Tuesday night was a bad night. Caleb woke up crying at 1:00 and wanted to go downstairs for whatever reason. I said no, and he criiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiied. So I let him cry for a while, and eventually Joel went in there to calm him down. He calmed down for a while, but then cried when Joel left. After letting him go for a while longer, I went in there again and calmed him down. He seemed fine as I put him in the crib. He asked for a truck, so I gave him the only truck on the floor. But then he said “Another truck!” I said no, and the screaming ensued. He was still crying at 4, but not at 5, so that’s at least 3 hours of crying.
  • I was putzing around on Facebook trying to see if there would be a 15 year reunion for my high school class (that I naturally wouldn’t be able to attend) and saw that one of my classmates is a writer for the freaking Daily Show. As in someone who took the same classes at the same place that I did is living in a way cooler place doing waaaay cooler things making WAAAAY more money than me and has won awards (at least one Emmy!) for it. Easy to make you feel slightly loser-ish.
  • I hurt my back on Wednesday, pretty badly it seems. I know you’re thinking “Of course you did! You installed a dishwasher by yourself!” But it wasn’t that! Well, *just* that. I’ve thrown out my back before by doing terribly dangerous things like STANDING UP, from sitting down! I did not put the dishwaser in the car. I was exceedingly careful getting it out of the car (Sid the Science Kid taught me to use inclined planes) so I did not use my back at all. I did the same thing to get it in the house. And then all you do is scoot it on the floor. What I think caused it was getting up and down off the floor numerous times. I know one time I stood up and thought “Uh hoh.” Uh hoh indeed. It is now Monday, 5 days later, and it still hurts like a mofo. I have no numbness or tingling indicating something worse than a pull or sprain. I was feeling better on Saturday, but then woke up Sunday with Aunt Flo and almost cried from the pain. I had to break out post-surgery drugs. So I’m hoping the A.F. issue (I have really bad back cramps when she visits) is what made it worse. I hoped I would be better this morning, so I got up and thought I should try to move around more today and take a shower. So I got in the shower, was shampooing my hair, and realized I wasn’t breathing well. I sat on the shower bench and opened the door for fresh air. That didn’t help, and I knew passing out was imminent, so I got down on the floor as best I could and turned off the water. The next thing I knew, all sound was gone (the bathroom fan was on) and I woke up with my face on the door. I don’t know how long I was there. I crawled out of the shower and somehow put on my robe and got back in bed. The absolute worst thing about this is we’re supposed to go to Great Wolf Lodge with Joel’s parents tomorrow. And I can’t move. I can’t even sit. I checked and it is possible to reschedule, but Joel’s schedule sucks and we won’t get a chance to go back for at least a month. And who knows how Joel’s dad will be feeling then. I want to cry.

No quote or moment of the week. The medication is hitting me now. Time to be done!

January 27, 2014 at 11:18 am Leave a comment

Highs and Lows – 3/107

Highs this week:

  • Finding specific affordable clothes has been a BATTLE. I refuse to pay full price and always shop clearance first. You’d think it would be easy in stores like Kohl’s, or even Goodwill, to find a single affordable pair of jeans that aren’t skinny, skin tight, or massive flared bootcut, but after umpteen shopping trips I hadn’t found any. This last week was my last push at clothes-buying, so I gave it one last shot. I had some Kohl’s cash to spend, and I didn’t find any pants my size after scouring the store. Eventually I gave up and picked some shoes, but had a few extra dollars left to use up. So I went back to the clearance racks and saw a pair of pants I had passed over because it didn’t have a clearance tag. I figured what the heck, let’s price check them – $5.20! Brand new Levi’s at 90% off. SWEET.
  • We are going to take a mini-trip to Great Wolf Lodge soon. It dawned on me that there was no way my old swimsuit would fit, so I would need a new one. Ugh – more shopping for arguably the most hated thing to try on at a time when no stores have them in stock. But it wasn’t terrible! I found a place with 3 that would fit me. The first one was waaaaaay too slutty, and the second one looked great and was only $22 so no need to try the third. Win!
  • Yay Peyton and Yay Seahawks!

Lows this week:

  • Joel’s Dad is worse. The medicines he was on no longer work, and he is running out of options for new treatments. For the first time I’m hearing about an actual time-frame for the time he has left. No matter what it is, it never seems long enough.
  • The boys are sick. Horrible coughing, fevers, unrelenting snottiness sick. The sofas have little patches of high sheen to them now (GROSS). They are just pitiful, Caleb especially. He has *asked* 3 days in a row to take a nap or go to bed – “Bed now please?”. You know there’s a problem when a 2-year-old does that. Nathan missed preschool on Friday and would tomorrow if it wasn’t a holiday. Until this afternoon, I hadn’t let the house in 3 days. I hope the fevers are gone tomorrow.  I may or may not have it too. I don’t feel terrible, but I don’t feel normal.
  • One of my emails was hacked. It started out that my Pinterest account had been compromised. Then Twitter (I still can’t get back on after repeatedly contacting them about it). And then I figured out my email had been hacked as well. As far as I can tell, no actual emails were sent on my behalf to any contacts, because I had none on that account. BUT – they did set up a vacation message to automatically go out when I received any emails there. Luckily, the email they hacked is the one I give out for sweepstakes that is FLOODED with junk mail. The only problem is that I don’t know how many websites I signed up under that email and password. Whoops and UGH.

Moment of the week:

  • I couldn’t figure out why Nathan’s camera kept running out of memory, since I was constantly deleting pictures off of it. Then I figured out the audio files were stored in a different folder. One night, after bed, from 7:32 to 8:45 p.m. (busted by the timestamp!) he recorded himself 36 times saying random things. It was darling going through each one. He sang to himself about his blanket, train tracks, cereal and oatmeal, and pumpkins. He also sang through “Away in a Manger” and the chorus to “Angels We Have Heard on High” multiple times.

Quote of the week:

  • Nathan: “Caleb, DON’T! You’ll eat my germs!” (Caleb was drinking out of Nathan’s water bottle)

January 19, 2014 at 7:33 pm Leave a comment

Highs and Lows – 2/106

Highs this week:

  • I forgot to mention this last week, but the park near our house is finally open! It has a playground, lots of green-space (softball field), and a short walking trail. And we can totally walk to it. Yay!!!!
  • I went clothes shopping and got some good stuff. This is lame and on the verge of, if not totally, TMI (bonus!), but I’m just super stoked I have bras and underwear that fit again. My old bras were getting painful, and the underwear were causing issues. One day I was absolutely FINE before leaving the house, but then at the store my underwear decided that, no, they were not fine, they were too big and should bunch up every 3 feet I walked. It was crazy awkward and wedge-tastic.

Lows this week:

  • I also forgot to mention this last week, but Caleb has been all about “MOMMY!!!!!!” lately. It seems to be getting better now, but for a while I had to do *everything*. Caleb even threw a fit when Joel tried to pour milk for him. It had to be MOMMY.
  • On Friday we delivered some food to folks at our church. We went straight from Caleb’s little dude tumbling class to one person’s house, then picked up Nathan from preschool, and then to the second house. Well, seconds after coming home Caleb barfed all over the carpet. Hyper-color Goldfish cracker orange. I nearly hyperventilated because we had JUST BEEN at a house with teeny, tiny, SO SO TINY triplet babies. Like please please please please please God, do not let this be rotavirus! Thank GOD it was just a random puke, since he and everyone else was fine after that. And thank you Spotbot, you cleaned up the carpet stain nicely.

Moment of the week:

  • Our cats have different coping strategies for being around children. This is Buddy:

DSC02279

 

  • This is Smokey:

DSC02286

  • One of these things is not like the other.

Quote of the week:

  • Caleb, out of the blue: “Happy New Year!” (yes, this week, still)

January 12, 2014 at 8:36 pm Leave a comment

The One About Losing Weight

I lost 50 pounds in 2013. Actually, the second half of 2013 alone. I started my health program on July 1, 2013, and on December 3, 2013, I hit the 50 pound mark. And that was my initial goal. Lose 50 pounds and see from there.

So I can remember for posterity’s sake – Why did I want to lose weight?

  1. I hated seeing myself in pictures, so I was rarely in them. I didn’t want my kids to look back and see a void.
  2. I knew if I lost weight I would have more energy and be a better Mom.
  3. I had a lot of shame over how I looked, and I didn’t know what to do about it or how to pinpoint what caused it. It’s not like we ate super terribly – you know fast food and eating out multiple times a week. But when I was seriously thinking about losing weight, I saw my eating habits were not good. And that needed to change. When I thought back about things, I think the weight started piling on when I got a desk job. Sitting all day was not a good thing.
  4. I noticed that my legs were so large, it hurt to bend them certain ways due to the fat rolls.
  5. When I went in for my yearly “lady” checkup, the doctor said that if I got pregnant again (calm down – NOT PLANNING THAT RIGHT NOW OR NECESSARILY EVER AGAIN!), my weight alone would make the pregnancy high risk. That raised some flags.
  6. I was starting to have to buy bigger clothes because my pants were too tight. I didn’t understand why all of my shirts were too short. I could only wear the belt I’ve had since high school on the very. last. notch.
  7. I was over 200 pounds. I always told myself I was fine as long as I didn’t hit 200. And then that happened.
  8. I didn’t want to be a statistic – have high blood pressure, heart disease, and the like. I am already diabetic (TYPE 1 – childhood onset), so I wonder if I would have developed Type 2 diabetes otherwise.

I see now there are some things about my body, and how I see it, that are not going to change. Like the flap of skin on my stomach from having babies. I really, REALLY hoped that would go away, but it hasn’t, completely. Oh yeah, it’s a lot smaller, but it’s still there. I also still see all my other “flaws.” When I look at myself, I don’t “see” a skinnier person. I see that flap of skin, crazy amount of stretch marks, cellulite and flabby thighs and arms.

I kept track of my progress over time. I started out graduating into a size 18. Yesterday I was able to fit into size 8 pants of multiple different brands at Goodwill (at first I thought it may have been a fluke for the one brand I tried on that one time a while back) and one was even too big. I know I was not that “small” in college, and likely even high school. I have lost 9 inches on my hips, 7 1/2 inches from my waist, 5 1/2 inches on my thigh, and 3 inches from my arm. I started out in the low end of “Obese” on the Body Mass Index chart. I am now in the middle of “Normal.” I started out using 33 units a day of my 24-hour basal insulin – I now use 17 and will probably go down to 16 soon.

Here’s your customary before-and-after photo. In the after photo, I’m holding the belt I previously mentioned in the “last notch.”

weight loss

I’m scared that I’ll gain back the weight once I’m “free” from my health program. I LOVE BREAD, and carbs are bad, m’kay? It’s hard because I’ve tried to cook “healthy” things, which my children refuse to eat. I will need to find a happy medium.

I’m not sure where I will go from here. After 6 months of restricting my diet, I’m ready to be done with my health program. I won’t get into how that all works – if you want to know what it is, send me a message – otherwise that’s a whole ‘nother post! ;-)

January 9, 2014 at 11:45 am 4 comments

Highs and Lows – 52/104 & 1/105

We were in Tennessee last week visiting my family, so I am now back to blogland again. The last 2 weeks were kinda busy, so I’ll try my best to remember while also being REALLY TIRED.

Highs this week & last week:

  • We all survived long travel days to and from Portland and Knoxville. We were only delayed once – in Chicago, of course – which was less than I was expecting since our connecting flights were in . . . Chicago. Caleb only cried for a few minutes total – which out of nearly 12 hours of actual flying on the plane (not just being in one or waiting in an airport) is pretty friggin incredible. Everything else went pretty seamlessly as well – airport parking and security screening – unless you count our car seat setting off “the alarm” (whatever that is) in Knoxville and the TSA guy declaring one of us would have to get hand-checked, so Joel took one for the team and had to get patted down. I’m just glad they didn’t have to frisk me too!
  • Nathan and Caleb got to meet their cousin, Maddy. They had a lot of fun playing together and got along well. I wasn’t expecting them not to or anything, but it was refreshing to see!
  • I got to see my parents and sister and Grandmother and Uncle. I hadn’t seen my parents in over a year, my sister in over 2, and my Granda and Uncle in 5. Oye!
  •  “Christmas” was fun. Since we were flying out early on Christmas day, we bumped everything up a day and opened all our presents Christmas Eve morning. Nathan and Caleb were really into opening presents. I know when Nathan was Caleb’s age he didn’t get it at all. I’d say Caleb’s favorite presents are the various Hot Wheels type cars he received. Nathan’s favorite present . . . hmmm. He got a number of fun things that he’s still playing with quite a bit. I can’t even narrow it down based on the things the boys fight over, because they fight over everything.

Lows this week & last week:

  • Going from Pacific time to Eastern time and back SUCKS. SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKS. I spent the whole time in Tennessee exhausted and feeling like crap, and then we came home to children waking up at 5 a.m.
  • Caleb’s honing in on his 2-year-old mad skillz. Lately, when he doesn’t get what he wants right this second, he will then immediately throw his whole face and body into a couch at full speed, or, if a couch is occupied or not available, will faceplant the floor. He gave himself a bloody nose at my sister’s house. And then he will SCREAM. Oh, the screaming. He only did it once today during church. I was expecting more, so yay?
  • I hate living so far away from my family. It makes me sad that my kids are going to basically have a superficial knowledge and relationship with my family, at best. It’s too far to drive, and too expensive to fly.
  • No matter where I travel, I always come back darker. I have bruises everywhere, especially my legs.

Quote of the week:

  • Caleb, opening up presents with Joel’s family the day before Christmas Eve and seeing what was under the paper: “Cars in there! CARS IN THERE!” He was sooooo excited.
  • Caleb, 10 minutes after the plane took off: “All done, plane!” (This means he wants to get out. This happened on two separate legs.)

Moment of the week:

  • Nathan opened up his first present at Christmas at my parents’ house (a shirt), and holding it at arm’s length with just the tips of his 2 fingers, let it drop to the floor without even looking at it. What a proud moment.

January 5, 2014 at 9:02 pm Leave a comment

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About me:

My name is Krissa and I'm a mom of 2 little stinkers.

If you don't know me, you'll probably find this blog pretty boring. Even if you do, you'll still find it mildly boring. I mainly rant about church stuff and puking cats. And share the occasional picture or two.

Hopefully writing this will help me value what is precious in my life and remember all the great things that are going on now! Because 1) My memory sucks! and 2) Being a stay-at-home-Mom can give you tunnel vision straight into insanity (or is that just me?).

:-)


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